N/A

//

The eyes, that at almost any given moment are warm, filled with welcome and willing, fell weary in a memory. 

A body usually bold and bright went limp in that moment, remembering the day his knees became weak. 

He, my hero, became half while his eyes closed and body sank into the dirt beneath his clenched fists. 

// 

8-24-14 

To my Aaron, 

You inspire me. You demonstrate such strength, every minute of everyday. You walk through life with the utmost ultimate grace. Even on the hardest days. You amaze me with every step you take. You are my best friend, confidant,  inspiration, strength, soul-mate and husband. You are my reason to pursue anything and everything without fear. 

I love you. 

hoy en día en fotos (13)

6:43AM 

4:47PM

A Love For Loneliness

I can never get past it, but I don't ever want to. When the room is lit with only the soft light from a small desk lamp and Regina Spektor just happens to pop up on my Pandora, my heart instantly fills full of this strange sorrow. There aren't even words to describe where it puts me. It sends me back to days of heartache and loneliness, but the feeling is so, so full of beauty. I hate to sound dramatic, but it's the only way to describe it, in a very large, unfamiliar nutshell.

But I love it. I long for the feeling when things seem to become too routine, too normal. It's the reason I keep a "Norah Jones" station on my Pandora. And the reason I lock myself in a small room with just the glow of a lamp. I love the bittersweet feeling of it.

And sometimes I just have to be dramatic and indulge in these feelings. I have to listen to this music and embrace the memories that come flooding back into my head and heart. Then as those pass, this wonderful feeling of nothing overflows me and I am filled with peace. It's here that I connect best with myself and where I am able to think with a clear head. I am able to have those much needed conversations with my thoughts and just think for me. It's in these moments that I do nothing for anyone but all for myself.

It's a time for nothing. 




Anna.

A Heart-Wrenching Night

Sometimes it takes the hardest talks to ease a heavy heart. A lot of times, really. But in the end, like the very end of time, whenever that will come.. those hard nights and talks will seem like nothing. Like a blink in time. It's what I have to keep telling myself.. because to live in fear and to live with a heavy heart is no way to live at all. Living in happiness is much more fulfilling and pleasant.

Tonight I told my best friend, my roommate. I am going to marry the boy I meet only eight months ago. I told her I was marrying him in less than eleven days. A conversation that should have happened months ago, happened tonight. It was hard. Harder than I expected and both were hurt. In different ways, but hurt is hurt and it.. just fucking hurts. 

So. I'm sorry best friend. I'm sorry I haven't been anywhere close to even a friend. And I thank you for being so kind to me, even when I don't deserve it. 

I hope we make this work. Because in the end, it'd be a lot nicer to go out knowing we were friends through what will be such a minor "heart-wrenching" night. 

But heavy shit sucks. Lets just smoke a cigarette and be friends again. Because frankly, we're not high-school friends. We're better than that. 

(a much happier, less heavy-hearted )              Anna. 

Chairs That Blend Almost Perfectly

Disclaimer: The last post (written sooo many months ago) was bogas, I'd never be able to write something so organized and thought out. This post will have nothing to do with that, but will instead continue on as previous posts that don't make any sense.

And so here we are, you me and this horribly white-balanced picture of chairs that blend almost perfectly with the wall. A picture that was mostly likely taken while I was being paid $10.00 an hour to  roll out pizza crusts, but was instead, sitting next to my boss. Who would have thought that in the split second it took me to take this picture, I would be reminiscing over it months later. I wouldn't have thought that, not in a million years. The picture clearly meant nothing to me because I found it on an old memory card that contained even older pictures of Evan and I. Those I deleted within seconds, that didn't hurt as much as seeing this one. This picture, I looked at for  a good ten minutes before it ended up here, on this screen, with words beneath it. Not to mention, on a blog that I haven acknowledged for over 6, 7... 8 months. I've clearly got something to overcome here. ..... ... . .. Obviously, the chairs aren't what weigh heavy on my heart. 

(to be continued, maybe)






Anna.

My Eyes

Everyone has that something about them that gives them away. Mine are my eyes. Fortunately  I don't think I'm the only one that struggles with this. My eyes give me away, almost every time. I can't say this is a curse, in most situations, I appreciate this about myself. Because sometimes, I need someone and most times, my eyes are a great indicator and someone usually puts their shoulder out for me to lean on.

I am usually able to hide my weakness, but my eyes will forever give me away.

Tonight was a perfect example. No one commented on my eyes, but I could feel the weakness in my eyes become heavier and heavier through out the night and soon enough, someone was there to ease my pain. Not that I'm able to be specific about the situation, but I'll just say this, I am grateful that my eyes became heavy tonight and I am thankful that someone saw this.

Thank you to this person. I needed you so much tonight and you were there just in the right moment. Thank you, eyes for becoming heavy. I know without this attribute, I would still be struggling to get by.







Anna.

Not Worth A Title

I've had the urge, more than just twice today to pack my bags and leave everything behind. Just get a suitcase, throw a few good sweatshirts in there, maybe pack my computer up and grab my dog, just to get the hell out of this town. I'd also probably go to a car dealership and invest in one of those cars that allows you to play Pandora in it. (Because how else would I run away if I couldn't have the perfect soundtrack following me). All in all, today was just a fuck nothing of a day, but my mind spun and spun in a million circles leaving me sick, verbally throwing up here and now. I feel drunk.

Not that I'm truly able to write those thoughts down, in detail, word for word. But at least I can think those thoughts in my head while writing something kinda meaning them but not so much. You following along? Alright, solid. Now, let me write a few more words for the sake of my sanity then we can all go to bed and forget about this whole post in the morning. Like a bad one night stand for both of us. Only this probably won't be as satisfying (right now) for you. So hey... let's start..?  

First and foremost. There's a serious debate going on inside my head right now. On side one we have my rational/health-seeking mind and on side two we have my insane-baring/rule breaking heart. Side one believes that I should take in every last second of sleep that I can before 5:30AM rolls around and I am serving old men decaf coffee and dry wheat toast while side two thinks I should just pull an all nighter and then go serve those old men their coffee and toast. Obviously side two is winning. But I'm thinking it will end up being a combination of the two- leaving me exhausted tomorrow and having nothing accomplished. Resulting in an overall failure.

Secondly. Ever been so frustrated with a human being you could take a baseball bat to their.. car or something? I am so incredibly annoyed beyond what I thought was even possible, it amazes me. I can't even type words without wanting to scream. And the fact that I've let this happen drives me insane. It's just a horrible situation in it's entirety. I have learned some serious life-lessons because of it though and I suppose one could consider that a positive attribute to the situation, but if we're being truthful here, I'd trade those lessons for these feelings. Ten fold. 

Moving forward. Love, it's a real bitch. Ever thought you were doing pretty good about getting over that someone and then it just hits you that you're not doing all that awesome? Maybe it's just the grieving process, it could be. But it sure doesn't feel like that. "I hope it's not actually" -a real quote from my heart. That silly heart, always piping in when she shouldn't be. It's Evan, it's obviously about Evan. 

Fourth? Are we to number four already? I guess we are! How are you doing? I'm feeling really good about this. Maybe we could see each other for a second date? Think on it. 

... four. There's been this thing happening and I can't decided if I'm going to count this as blessing or a curse later on, but it's shown me that if anything, I am meant to live this present-day life for myself. As I wrote above, I'm not fully over Evan. But I've gotten to a healthy point in which I am 'okay' with being alone. (at times that is not AT ALL how I feel) Fortunate or  unfortunate, I don't care to dwell on that right now, I just do not care. Saying goodbye to someone who was by your side for three years is hard enough, like I'm ready to swap that face out to put another in that position? Hell no. The unfamiliarity and awkwardness is not worth my time right now. 

And you know what else? I'm spending quality time with someone who isn't a boyfriend, quite frequently, and it is freaking great. Finally. Finally! I'm not spending every waking second with a boyfriend. I'm hanging out with friend(s) and that is such a huge deal for me. I don't even think there are enough words to describe how big this is. I made myself sound like a really big loner there. Truth is, I'm not, I have a handful of really good friends, but it was only once in a blue moon that we'd hang out. 1. Because the majority of my time was spent being lovey-dovey with my sweetheart (not saying I didn't like that). And 2. I have always been a hermit and I had an issue with too much friend time. But that's why this is such a huge deal! I've somewhat gotten over my hermit-ness. Thank the lord. 

But oh my gosh. I feel like I'm running out of breath, oddly enough. So, this was fun, you've been such a nice listener. I feel so much better about myself already, and actually, I don't feel like running away anymore. Thank you! I would have been really mad about leaving everything behind and buying that car. We really should hang out again, but not that much. I'm not looking for anything too serious. 

Until the next time, 

Anna. 

I Wouldn't Call It Sad, Just Low

Maybe it's because it's April and there's another six inches of snow on the ground, or maybe because I've been listening to the Bon Iver Pandora station more often. I guess it could be because I'm so tiered these days, or because I'm not all that great at handeling major life changes. To be completely honest, it must be a mixture of all of these things. It just must be... because I'm feeling rather low right now. .

What does "low" even mean? Different things to different people I'm sure. But to me it means feeling like nothing. Feeling like the whole world around you is spinning at a million miles a minute but you're just sitting there, wondering what to do with yourself, but never acting on it. It's almost like I just feel slow. Slow and Low. Almost sounds like a movie title about a drug addict's every day life. 

I can't go into detail, that would be silly of me. But there are so many positive/exciting things happening around me and all I can do is say, "mehh" to all of them. I just don't care all that much. (But obviously there's a part of me that does, let's be honest). 

And ya know what, sometimes I do actually get a hint of sad. And I hate it. Growing up I've always had a love/hate relationship with being sad. No one likes being sad, I get that, but I always thought it was good for the soul to be sad sometimes. But let me tell you, that just gets confusing when it's happening. I know I'm sad, I don't like it, but I feed off of it. That can't be healthy. 

This is a confusing post, I just read the previous four paragraphs and I don't even get it. So good luck my friend. Forgive me for the way I write; it can't be all that easy to follow. I guess that's why I never tried writing in other blogs I had. Pictures were always the way to go, but give me a break, I'm trying to expand my horizons. Crawl out of my comfort zone a little. 

But I'm going to stop before this get's any more out of hand than it already has. 

Anna. 

At Least My Bed Was Made

I had the afternoon off from work yesterday so I decided to do a little apartment cleaning. I didn't get as much done as one would like, but I think I did a pretty fine job, I mean really, my bed got made. I even did my laundry and my sheets which were long overdue to be washed somehow got thrown into the mix and that feels freaking fantastic! ($5 later because laundry isn't free where I'm livin') I love clean sheets, I really really love clean sheets. 

I'm averaging a 60 hour work week between two very competitive jobs these days and cleaning things is few and far between. But when I have a few hours to spare, I.get.shit.done. Like a few minutes ago, I got home from work and managed to clean my bathroom! (Cause I know you were curious). But what I'm really trying to say is that my apartment/my life usually looks like my bed up there. I hate saying "I'm crazy busy", but I might as well just spit it out; I'm busy these days and I can't say I mind, because really, I don't. Two jobs wasn't in my 'plan' but I feel privileged to work for both and I wouldn't trade it for a million dollars... ahah, yes I would. 

And now it's Sunday and I am exhausted. And that bed is no longer full of clothes, hangers, bags, and other junk so I think I'll take those two steps back and get some sleep. Thanks for reading about my spare time and how exciting I am. 

Now listen to this song, cause I can't stop. (Prepare for more random songs recommendations, I do that a lot). 

Anna.