A Love For Loneliness

I can never get past it, but I don't ever want to. When the room is lit with only the soft light from a small desk lamp and Regina Spektor just happens to pop up on my Pandora, my heart instantly fills full of this strange sorrow. There aren't even words to describe where it puts me. It sends me back to days of heartache and loneliness, but the feeling is so, so full of beauty. I hate to sound dramatic, but it's the only way to describe it, in a very large, unfamiliar nutshell.

But I love it. I long for the feeling when things seem to become too routine, too normal. It's the reason I keep a "Norah Jones" station on my Pandora. And the reason I lock myself in a small room with just the glow of a lamp. I love the bittersweet feeling of it.

And sometimes I just have to be dramatic and indulge in these feelings. I have to listen to this music and embrace the memories that come flooding back into my head and heart. Then as those pass, this wonderful feeling of nothing overflows me and I am filled with peace. It's here that I connect best with myself and where I am able to think with a clear head. I am able to have those much needed conversations with my thoughts and just think for me. It's in these moments that I do nothing for anyone but all for myself.

It's a time for nothing. 




Anna.

Disclaimer: I Swear In This Post.. Once, Maybe Twice.. Three times.. Yahtzee!

Overall, not the worlds greatest photograph, but the moment was "picture perfect" ...If you will. 

Ahhhh, sheeit. I'm just going to blow up some word-brains here. I've been contemplating writing another post for at least 26 days now.. it's just taken me awhile to sit the hell down and start. And who would have guessed that me waking up on a shit-tacular Monday morning at 4:00AM to take a bath would be the trick to get me behind the keyboard. Ha, not me, but I rarely know what the hell I'm doing or why I'm doing it. (At least that's what the people around me like to make me think). But the stuff I do, like really do because I WANT TO, usually end up working in my favor, usually. Anywho, anyhow, moving on... 

If it weren't for the few hours I have before I have to be at work, I'd sit here and type out word for word what has happened in the past 6-months, but knowing you and knowing me, you wouldn't really want to read that and I would probably mess up around month 1 and a 1/2 and things would start to spin out of control. So for the sake of my weak stomach and your ever so gracious patience I think I'll just tell you what's been on my mind so far today, which started at 4AM for me, remember. So I've had a solid 3 hours and 44 minutes to ponder on life and what it means. Cause that's what any normal 20 year-old girl does on a Monday morning.. ? 

First and foremost, I've thought a lot about how happy I am this morning. Doesn't that just make me sound so "cliché" and sappy... Yeah, you don't have to be nice. Even reading it makes me want to throw up a little. Don't get me wrong, I love to know that people are happy. I'm a fucking (Ha, see there was the swear word) people pleaser, it's what I was put on this earth to do. Make and SEE people happy. I'm just talking about physically reading the words, "I'm happy". Something just rubs me the wrong way about reading that. But since I'm usually honest here, I'll just type it again.. I'm.. Happy. Eeeh.


Okay, second. It's really hard for me to continue typing when so much as happened in such a short amount of time. I want to tell you about leaving quickfire, or how I got engaged to this kid two weeks after meeting him, and how my attempt to move in with my best friend was crippled because of weird timing, and other things like how close I've grown to my two younger sisters and the distance that has become much more adamant between the older ones (Not in a bad way Amanda). I want to tell you that though it looks like from a distance I'm giving up on my independence I have become only MORE independent. I want to share with you that I found out I was allergic to dogs the other day! I want to just scream all of this. And when I say you, I guess I don't really know who you ARE. I know for a fact that my own eyes and my mothers eyes are the only ones that have ever read any of this. But the really funny thing about that is, in the end, this is just for me anyways. Always before posting something, I end up going through old posts, just to hear myself out.. and I'd be lying if I said I didn't love that.

Lastly, maybe.. Continuing from the previous paragraph, I've been thinking/hoping of linking this blog to my Facebook profile. Ehh.. but then it wouldn't just be me, hearing myself out. It would be weird family and distant friends reading, and judging. Saying shit to themselves like, "oh wow, her writing is crazy. she types like she talks and has disgusting grammar.. she always was shitty at reading in high school... and crazy I think." Or family assuming I was writing for attention, asking for some kind of mental help.  Heads up, I'm not. I'm 100% A-OK. If this does ever get linked... And really, I'm not scared of being judged or people criticizing my grammar, or looking like an attention starved 20 year old wack job. It's whatever, it's cool. I'm just a little iffy on the whole "Loooooook everyone, I'm a blooooger... how coooollll AM I??? Come into my mind, feel what I feel, see what I see, taste what I taste..." Heads up, again.. I'm not a blogger. I just like to hear myself think out loud on a computer screen. And as far as having you, whoever you are read it, take it as you will.


But like dad said once... "Write what you need to write. Scream! Be Sloppy! Swear! Write about whatever you need to write about. You can even say bad things about your sisters!" Granted that was about writing in a journal and I was 13... ..




Anna, the fool.