A Love For Loneliness

I can never get past it, but I don't ever want to. When the room is lit with only the soft light from a small desk lamp and Regina Spektor just happens to pop up on my Pandora, my heart instantly fills full of this strange sorrow. There aren't even words to describe where it puts me. It sends me back to days of heartache and loneliness, but the feeling is so, so full of beauty. I hate to sound dramatic, but it's the only way to describe it, in a very large, unfamiliar nutshell.

But I love it. I long for the feeling when things seem to become too routine, too normal. It's the reason I keep a "Norah Jones" station on my Pandora. And the reason I lock myself in a small room with just the glow of a lamp. I love the bittersweet feeling of it.

And sometimes I just have to be dramatic and indulge in these feelings. I have to listen to this music and embrace the memories that come flooding back into my head and heart. Then as those pass, this wonderful feeling of nothing overflows me and I am filled with peace. It's here that I connect best with myself and where I am able to think with a clear head. I am able to have those much needed conversations with my thoughts and just think for me. It's in these moments that I do nothing for anyone but all for myself.

It's a time for nothing. 




Anna.

A Heart-Wrenching Night

Sometimes it takes the hardest talks to ease a heavy heart. A lot of times, really. But in the end, like the very end of time, whenever that will come.. those hard nights and talks will seem like nothing. Like a blink in time. It's what I have to keep telling myself.. because to live in fear and to live with a heavy heart is no way to live at all. Living in happiness is much more fulfilling and pleasant.

Tonight I told my best friend, my roommate. I am going to marry the boy I meet only eight months ago. I told her I was marrying him in less than eleven days. A conversation that should have happened months ago, happened tonight. It was hard. Harder than I expected and both were hurt. In different ways, but hurt is hurt and it.. just fucking hurts. 

So. I'm sorry best friend. I'm sorry I haven't been anywhere close to even a friend. And I thank you for being so kind to me, even when I don't deserve it. 

I hope we make this work. Because in the end, it'd be a lot nicer to go out knowing we were friends through what will be such a minor "heart-wrenching" night. 

But heavy shit sucks. Lets just smoke a cigarette and be friends again. Because frankly, we're not high-school friends. We're better than that. 

(a much happier, less heavy-hearted )              Anna. 

Sometimes I Forget

I forget a lot of things, a lot of the time. But sometimes I forget how many amazing people I have the privilege of sharing this crazy life with but then I usually remember and I smile. One of those people reminded me tonight of how lucky I am to have her in my life; I won't name names or say anything to make it obvious. She didn't do anything outrageous or unforgettable tonight, in fact, she wouldn't even know, but she put a smile on my face and I just wanted to tell all of you how grateful I am for her. So thanks, you. I'm happy you're apart of my life.

What else can I say?

I've been busy, but I haven't yet forgotten about the blog! I think about it a whole lot actually. Little things throughout the day make me want to jump on a computer and write about them. I just literally don't ever get to a computer. But hey, here I am, typing away and it feels nice.

Here's something, my niece is going to turn ONE in a few days. I haven't talked much about her, but the little one stole my heart last year and I couldn't be a more crazy-obssesed-spoiling-grateful-aunt if I tried. She's the light of my life and not a single day goes by that I don't think of her. Another one of those people I am overly thankful to have in my life.

So, here's to you, everyone. Thanks for anything and everything you may have or might do sometime. I am thankful for you. Good relationships are like nothing else.


Anna.

(No picture today, I don't have the energy. But thanks for reading!)