Thursday, April 18, 2013

Not Worth A Title

I've had the urge, more than just twice today to pack my bags and leave everything behind. Just get a suitcase, throw a few good sweatshirts in there, maybe pack my computer up and grab my dog, just to get the hell out of this town. I'd also probably go to a car dealership and invest in one of those cars that allows you to play Pandora in it. (Because how else would I run away if I couldn't have the perfect soundtrack following me). All in all, today was just a fuck nothing of a day, but my mind spun and spun in a million circles leaving me sick, verbally throwing up here and now. I feel drunk.

Not that I'm truly able to write those thoughts down, in detail, word for word. But at least I can think those thoughts in my head while writing something kinda meaning them but not so much. You following along? Alright, solid. Now, let me write a few more words for the sake of my sanity then we can all go to bed and forget about this whole post in the morning. Like a bad one night stand for both of us. Only this probably won't be as satisfying (right now) for you. So hey... let's start..?  

First and foremost. There's a serious debate going on inside my head right now. On side one we have my rational/health-seeking mind and on side two we have my insane-baring/rule breaking heart. Side one believes that I should take in every last second of sleep that I can before 5:30AM rolls around and I am serving old men decaf coffee and dry wheat toast while side two thinks I should just pull an all nighter and then go serve those old men their coffee and toast. Obviously side two is winning. But I'm thinking it will end up being a combination of the two- leaving me exhausted tomorrow and having nothing accomplished. Resulting in an overall failure.

Secondly. Ever been so frustrated with a human being you could take a baseball bat to their.. car or something? I am so incredibly annoyed beyond what I thought was even possible, it amazes me. I can't even type words without wanting to scream. And the fact that I've let this happen drives me insane. It's just a horrible situation in it's entirety. I have learned some serious life-lessons because of it though and I suppose one could consider that a positive attribute to the situation, but if we're being truthful here, I'd trade those lessons for these feelings. Ten fold. 

Moving forward. Love, it's a real bitch. Ever thought you were doing pretty good about getting over that someone and then it just hits you that you're not doing all that awesome? Maybe it's just the grieving process, it could be. But it sure doesn't feel like that. "I hope it's not actually" -a real quote from my heart. That silly heart, always piping in when she shouldn't be. It's Evan, it's obviously about Evan. 

Fourth? Are we to number four already? I guess we are! How are you doing? I'm feeling really good about this. Maybe we could see each other for a second date? Think on it. 

... four. There's been this thing happening and I can't decided if I'm going to count this as blessing or a curse later on, but it's shown me that if anything, I am meant to live this present-day life for myself. As I wrote above, I'm not fully over Evan. But I've gotten to a healthy point in which I am 'okay' with being alone. (at times that is not AT ALL how I feel) Fortunate or  unfortunate, I don't care to dwell on that right now, I just do not care. Saying goodbye to someone who was by your side for three years is hard enough, like I'm ready to swap that face out to put another in that position? Hell no. The unfamiliarity and awkwardness is not worth my time right now. 

And you know what else? I'm spending quality time with someone who isn't a boyfriend, quite frequently, and it is freaking great. Finally. Finally! I'm not spending every waking second with a boyfriend. I'm hanging out with friend(s) and that is such a huge deal for me. I don't even think there are enough words to describe how big this is. I made myself sound like a really big loner there. Truth is, I'm not, I have a handful of really good friends, but it was only once in a blue moon that we'd hang out. 1. Because the majority of my time was spent being lovey-dovey with my sweetheart (not saying I didn't like that). And 2. I have always been a hermit and I had an issue with too much friend time. But that's why this is such a huge deal! I've somewhat gotten over my hermit-ness. Thank the lord. 

But oh my gosh. I feel like I'm running out of breath, oddly enough. So, this was fun, you've been such a nice listener. I feel so much better about myself already, and actually, I don't feel like running away anymore. Thank you! I would have been really mad about leaving everything behind and buying that car. We really should hang out again, but not that much. I'm not looking for anything too serious. 

Until the next time, 


1 comment:

  1. I feel like I have to wait for the author to write the next chapter of a book I can't put down. And that's not fair.
    Where did this amazingly REAL and BEAUTIFUL person come from. SO glad you are giving up the need to "be a writer". Because, ironically so, you have become one.